Unwanted Feelings

I could say it was a one-time thing, and then maybe I’d actually be able to get over it and stop thinking about him but I can’t because he made me fall for him like I never have before.

It was a Saturday night and one of our mutual friend’s birthday party; a night to celebrate her advancing and enjoying teenage years. The last thing I expected was to see him there, especially because the reason things ended was him not having enough time to maintain a girlfriend and go out with said girlfriend, a.k.a me. It all started as a simple fling mainly because I was skeptical of his beautiful words and stunning compliments. He and his feelings seemed too good to be true and I had gone through these situations before to be so easily fooled. I mean really? A hot guy: nice clean haircut sitting on the head of an almost perfectly symmetrical face followed further down by strong, built arms and a perfectly toned stomach with that V shaped line at the bottom of his hips that could drive any girl crazy, and it did. Out of all his options and possibilities he picked me to talk to? Me to start sharing emotions with? It was an unbelievable thing but at the end the charming way in which he carried himself and the enormous amounts of flattery got the better part of my judgment and I didn’t even realize it.

We started going out to the movies, mall, sharing feelings and future goals, enjoying coffee in each other’s company and it was a gratifying feeling; at least for me. Somehow someway in those little moments he made me fall for him, his thoughts, his smile, his touch, and I was head over heels with no worries in my mind because I let myself think he felt the same. But then realization came down, at times it was hard to combine both our schedules with school and his tennis and my divided time with mom in one house and dad in another but we made it work, for about a month. Suddenly I noticed, two days had passed and he stopped sharing every detail of his life with me like we had both done since the beginning. Now he wasn’t telling me when he has busy, he just didn’t respond my texts, he saw my snapchats and didn’t reply; he wasn’t the same and I felt him distancing himself more every passing minute but I let it go because I knew he didn’t lead an easy life. Then, from one moment to the next he texted me “we gotta talk”. I instantly knew something was wrong and seconds later he just spills everything he had been brewing in his mind. “I have been very busy lately and barely had time for you and it’s just gonna get worse because I have tournaments coming up and I really don’t have time for a girlfriend”. At that point I accepted everything and didn’t blame him for what was going on. I had perceived the struggle with free time too.

Merely two days later he texted me again “ I miss you, I don’t care what I have to do to make time I will do anything, you have just become a too important part of my life to just keep you out like that, I need you with me” . I was skeptical once again but after a little debating I decided to let him back into my life and give myself a chance to be happy. Our friend Aisha’s party was that Saturday and just the thought of seeing him gave me butterflies in my stomach; I missed him so much after two weeks of anticipation.

About three days after our reconciliation my world falls down once again. “We’ve got to talk haha” as if the matter of ending what we had was funny business.  He quickly explained how he just couldn’t maintain both his social life with me, sport life and school life all at once. With every single text I received filled with excuses I became even more enraged. “Ugh go to hell, you are so bipolar and indecisive, I give up”. Those were the last words I ever directed towards him and he didn’t even take a bit of his precious time to respond.

Saturday comes around and it’s Aisha’s night; her time to be the focus of everyone’s attention. I arrive and the World Cup themed party is alive with people dancing everywhere, chit chat and loud music crowding everyone’s thoughts. My closest friends and I have a little photo session and a tiny skirmish about what soccer team is better, Colombia or Brazil.  Just as I’m dancing and letting go the birthday girl approaches me and whispers in my ear “so you’re not caught off guard, he’s is coming tonight”. In a matter of seconds I lost my breath, my stomach turned, my saliva got stuck in my throat and my mind reeled with feelings not exactly knowing which one to feel at that specific time. After I took a moment to recompose myself I thought “let’s just take this one step at a time”.

I was dancing with my back turned towards the door but suddenly everyone walks out of view and I notice some commotion going on behind me, he had arrived. I try to act all cool and collected but who was I kidding? All my closest friends instantly noticed my agitation; they could read it all over me, my heart beat had quickened, my palms got sweaty and I was jittery. After that moment caught me off guard I decided to forget about him and have fun. I danced, sang and jumped around with all my friends, at one point dancing closely with one boy in particular just to make him feel a ting of jealousy. I kept telling myself I didn’t care, he wasn’t worth it but somewhere along the way this beautiful boy made me fall for him and I found myself thinking about him now even more than when we were together. I saw him dancing with one of my friends and even though I tried to push it away I just couldn’t help but feel envious to the point of disliking her a bit. I could’ve been the poster person for a party kid but the way I saw him interacting with my friends I felt like he had trespassed into a new part of my heart, a dark one. We exchanged a few glances and even made eye contact which made me as happy as it made me sad; the consciousness that that was all there was, a simple glance. I was emotionally unstable and the sight of his hands hugging the waist of another girl as they danced bachata infuriated me.

As I headed home with my face plastered on my phone screen while I responded to my friends but really hoped that every “ping” the phone made was a notification from him a wave of awareness came over me; he didn’t care, we didn’t share one word the whole night, he was over me, he was a coward most of all but my heart still longed for him and the more the time passed the more I realized my heart literally ached for him.

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